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Tuesday, 24 February 2009

"Evolution - When?" now online, complete and unabided

The following review greeted the first publication of "Evolution - When?", my second meisterguttentag about two hours after it's release.

"Evolution-When? is a compelling masterwork, surely destined to take it's author above Richard Dawkins as Third Best Academic in England, or possibly joint Second, with Dawkins. As a treaty on Evolution and stuff, it brings to people who are not very clever new insights into Chaz Darwin's little theory about finches and stuff, relating his ideas to Mankind for the first time, just as Bono has done with Christianity. But, dont worry, it's not all about Science-if you want sex, violence and drugs all you have to do is e-mail the author and he will write a Chapter about any of these things as well, just for you."

It was lucky that Liverpool were'nt playing that day, so I had time to write this review, or "Introduction" as my publisher calls it, otherwise people would not easily get the gist of my work. However, last Friday afternoon, I decided to re-write the book in it's entirety, because a new brilliant idea had just popped into my head after I decided to Google 'Darwin' (just to make sure I had got his name right). That new version is reproduced below for the first time, but I should just take a minute to say a few words about the book. In the publishing world, these few words are usually called the Appendix, mostly because you dont need them and because books are sometimes easier to read if they're not there.

The first point I'd like to make is that the book is written from a post-Marxist viewpoint, mostly because, like most Anthropologists, I do'nt really understand the whole Marx thing, and thought it was better to just skip that particular genre altogehter - hence 'post', as in 'ante-post' betting in the world of horse racing, which occurs just after the horse has bolted. The second point is that while Darwin might come up with some pretty funny examples of stupid behaviour every year, in the world of Science, which I infest, he should stick to what he knews, like all that stuff about finches landing on giant turtles backs and swimming across the Straits in the Asparagus Islands. Darwin, I'm afraid, is pretty clueless when it comes to humans: he even claims that humans were at one time, long ago, dependant on monkeys. Anyone who has even seen Planet of the Apes realizes that this is total nonsense and that it was the other way round, and that it was'nt until Doug McClure liberated us that we were able to develop as sensible beings [Ibid]. [imdb].

THe third and final point, is that even though I am brilliant, which has been proven by me getting 66% in my exams after no revision whatever, my theory is, after all, only a theory. Scientific review, and the rigours of alchemidia, stress that porn review is an essential part of the process, so if anyone disagrees with my theories, they should write in and tell me, and I will immediately change my opinion. I will not be at all offended, as all great minds have been challenged over time - Eric Von Danniken, Semir Osmanagic, (excavator of the Bosnian pyramids - see, The Rev Ian Paisley to name but a few. And in any case, I found most of my original work on Wikipedia, so if any of its wrong I wont take it personally.

The final part of this appendixes concerns the fact that this book has been published post-humously. This is because even though Science is very important, we should not take it too seriously. Some scientits are guilty of this, especially the more important ones, for example, the guys over at Intelligent Design, although I confess I havent read their webpage. I am assuming that like most Scientists, their name describes what they do - Physicians study Physics, Biologists study biology, Xenobiologists study the Science behind the tv series Xena, Warrior Princess, and so on, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, per se. Therfore, quo vidi, I'm assuming that Intelligent Designers manufacture robot vacuum cleaners and better washing machines and stuff, but one of the reasons I do'nt know much about them is that their websites just look too Scientific, full of Institutes-this, and Professor-that and paper-this and review-that - there's absolutely nothing fun on their home page at all, so I just skipped it, but not before noticing how they are all Darwinists, or so I would assume as most of the articles are about him. If you fancy a look, go to or , but I guarantee that all that Science will get old pretty quick.

Finally, I should point out that Evolution-When? is short and to the point. This is because when you've come up with a slam-dunk of a Scientific THeory, there's no point in explaining it all - people just want the facts, and you can always get them later. So, here it is:


A Brilliand New Postulation.

It is definitely true that, since the Paleolithic, and even earlier, since Biblical Times, man has been asking himself, and other people sat next to him, sometimes on the bus, the vital question "Evolution-WHEN?". Even more women, on looking at their husband, have been asking the same question, and they did this until the Dawn of Lesbianism, after which they could get satisfactory partners.

The answer has been some time in coming, mostly because Post Modernists started arguing about it and forgot the question they were asking, but finally, the answer has been discovered, in, of all places, HULL. Not Hull, Quebec, where they carried on arguing because it was fun, but Hull in Yorkshire.

The vital clue came from photographic evidence uncovered after a short walk to University and here, in it's original format is that very photograph, taken outside a Student Halls of residence. Why you may ask yourself is this significant. Well, simply put, young undergraduates are the brilliant future of humanity as we all know, and if Evolution were to happen, it is among them that we would look for signs of Evolution. IN the online version of this book, you may have to click on the photo to see it full size.

Unfortunately, as you can see, Steve Mithen and all the punctuated evolution boys are right. THe conclusion of this book is therefore, after presenting all the evidence (see photo) that the answer to the question "Evolution-When" is "In about thirty thousand years".

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