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Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Marking Time in case you think I am rather going on about this, I should contextualize the following. It is marking time at Large Mansions and reams of paper spill over every available surface. Marking time is a bi-annual event (that seems to last for decades)characterised by the Red Haired Boffin stumbling round the house mumbling things like "Eh atch!", and tutting, and saying things like "I've just found some very blatant plaigarism, just bloody copy and paste". Lots of gum is chewed. It is also essay time, and self is busy writing for a deadline. I stumble round the house mumbling things like "Eayattch!" and tutting, and saying things like "I've just found a really good website I can plagiarize". THe cats are largely ignored.

One of my essays is on the psychology of learning, and I am desperate to launch another devastating attack on some idiocy or other. A fact you will now be equipped with is that this year's fashion is Brain Gym. I find an interview on the BBC about the topic, and while the stupidity no longer shocks me, what I did not know is that THOUSANDS of English schools use this system. ANd it is endorsed by the country's Department of Education. Which means that millions of pounds is being spent on this. THe attitude of Educational researchers is shocking, sort of "Well we dont care that we dont know what we are doing, we just know it works". THe bad news for RHB is that over the next ten years, I think her marking is going to get more difficult. The good news for me is that there is a clear business opportunity here. As soon as I qualify, I am going to call myself an 'educator' and start a business selling my new concept in Education to schools.

My concept focuses on a device called the "Learnatron", and the effectiveness of my project has been backed up by thousands of years of research. THe crucial element here is that "Learnatronics" draws on the wisdom of the ancients, particularly the Aztecs. In "Learnatronics", the underlying theory is that increasing blood flow stimulates learning, but you also need to stimulate the imagination of the child at all times, so that they are always thinking, even outside of school. This way, they are always learning. The "Learnatron" helps harness this imagination and stimulate blood flow. It is a longish (about one metre) willow cane, selected by a special dowsing process from organic coppices. There is of course a whole series of movements associated with the "Learnatron", but the standard bearer is called "The Stoic", in which the precious child and teacher gather at the front of the class. In the movement called "Tippy Toes Topples", the learner touches their toes, which helps them learn balance, then the teacher beats them severely with the "Learnatron" until blood flow is stimulated. THe child's imagination is of course stimulated because they spend every waking moment living in fear, and the learning does not stop there! oh no, as they relive, for the rest of their lives, their experiences with the "Learnatron". As I can prove that literacy rose significantly when beating children was allowed in UK schools, I even have solid research evidence to back up my invention. It is, quite frankly, brilliant.

Also in the news today is the continuing snowfall across the UK. It is brilliant - the light is fantastic and the cats, well one of them at least, loves it. Here's some pictures of Tosh playing with snowballs:

1 comment:

Bill Hall said...

Please write another informative and stimulating article on "Cod's Wallop". Its meaning, derivation and relevance to contemporary anthropological thought.

I will mark it for you and in anticipation have already sharpened a red biro.