The delayed 7.33

The announcement speakers are broken, the clocks do not work and I'have embargoed the only source of coffee in the joint. Yes, I'm back at Hull's Paragon Railway Station, and this time, its serious.

“Tickets Please!” the guard chimes as he approaches. It’s Thursday 15^th June, and my transportation is the 7.33am Transpennine Express Service to Leeds, 170 Class “Turbobooster”.

“Tickets Please!” the guard repeats, hovering over my seat. He holds his hand out expectantly. “I’m sorry, my ticket’s delayed, if you could come back in 15 minutes, I’m sure it will show up” I offer. “I’m sorry, sir?” “My ticket, its delayed”, I explain, then add helpfully “Pocket failure at Brough. Zip’s totally locked up. I’ve got engineers working on it now, and I’ll let you know as soon as the pocket’s clear. Listen for further announcements”. I’d assumed that Dave, the guard, (who I’ve seen more of than Nel since I started getting the train this week), had a sense of humour, but he gets serious and tells me that travelling without a ticket is a serious offence. I blush at my backfiring joke and produce the necessary warrant, complete Cardinal’s signature. Dave stamps my ticket and heads off to make an announcement.

I’m working at Logical, a growing exhibit/set building company, which means a sixty-two mile each way daily journey from Hull to Leeds city centre. As Hull’s Leading Scenic carpenter, I was initially engaged for a week, but the contract’s been extended, thus boosting my rankings among Hull’s scenic elite. This is my second week, and after a two-hour drive (each way) on England’s busting–at-the-seams roads last week, the decision this week has been to “let the train take the strain” (an old advertising line). Unfortunately, neither the train, nor anyone associated with it seems to be showing any sign of strain that out of 7 journeys so far, three have been well over 15 minutes delayed on a trip that’s supposed to take one hour.

The tannoy crackles into life, and I flinch, “He’s going to say it, he’s going to say It oh God, oh God, oh mi God, oh just this once, please DON’T say IT.” I rage under my breath. Dave says IT. “Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Selby’ is your next Station Stop. That’s ‘Selby’, your next Station STOP”. “Station Stop”????

I’m furious – how, in the name of Holy God, does the word “STOP” fit in that sentence? It is either a station called ‘Selby’, or a ‘Stop’ at ‘Selby’. The phrasing is ubiquitous among Transpennine Express guards and is obviously taught at Guard Training School as the correct form of words, but it’s so wrong. It is ugly, clumsy, ill conceived, meaningless, and thoroughly irritating. I imagine foreign visitors to these shores, who may have only a limited understanding of English to be totally baffled. At first, during my current commute I was completely confused, believing that my train visited Broughstop, Selbystop and Leedsstop. Thankfully, my journey doesn’t include Alsop (stop), and I imagine hoards of seasiders are relieved that Transpennie Express does not service the village of Start in Devon. The French would not do this with their language, and neither should we. Imagine travelling to Paris on a train that was onward bound for Marseilles; “Nous Arrivons a Paris. Finis. Paris est le suivant stationment finis”?

The “Stop” Thing all part of Transpennine Express’s annoying company mission to “help” customers. “Don’t bunch up on the platform” we are helpfully told via a humourous poster, as if the first thing in my head every morning is to find as many people as possible and stand very close to them all. The sweaty thighs of other commuters brushing my rump, complete with full close up of bad English dental maintenance is not an early morning prerequisite for me, and consequently I, and most commuters have developed a keen eye for space. We spread out along the platform and try not to even acknowledge each other’s existence; it’s second nature in such a crowded country.

Transpennine’s poster campaign exhorts us to Not Feed the Birds, Not Give Money to Beggars, Not to Assault the Staff, to Report Vandalism, Theft and Graffiti, tells us about the new 170 Class Turboboosters and how brilliant they are, advises “customers” not to get stuck in doors, tells us to watch out for Terrorists, asks us to “help us {them} to help you {us}” and proudly shows us Performance Indicators with 93% punctuality.

Perhaps I am contrary, but the more time and effort Transpennine Express insert into helping me, understanding my needs as a customer and making my travelling experience pleasant, the more I wish they would’nt bother. I have bombarded their website with e-mails about the fact that the trains just do not run on time. The relationship is clearly on the brink.

Click on the photos for a larger view. Exciting!.