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Friday, 2 January 2009

Apocalypse - How?

As most normal people do, I Google our New Years Eve guests as soon as they leave, anxious to discover if they have been convicted of any serious crimes. Cristiana (CCP) seems innocent of anything heinous, and a search for Quok, the friend she brought reveals no evidence of wrong-doing as well. This does not entirely clear Quok, because as I did not bother finding anything out about him other than that he traitourously switched from Tim Hortons to Dunkin Donuts when he moved to the States, and that he is a good laugh, my search parameters were limited to "Quok Canadian". Other friends appear equally innocent, and I am happy that I know few criminals, and that most of my friends are less Googlable than me, until I Google my friend Doctor Will.

As author of the groundbreaking series of anthropological treatises "Civilization - Why?" , "Evolution - When?" and most recently "Apocalypse - How?" (a brilliant title that I thought up entirely on my own with no help from anyone, particularly from Sally Stone, spinster of the parish of Plymouth) I am amazed that when visiting us on several occasions, Will's conversation has not been littered with such asides as "Well, that was a good football match, but obviously not something I could have watched when I was writing my brilliant book", or "Gosh, I'm really hungry. Being a published author sure gives a man a healthy appetite". I can only think that Will's book is not very good. In fact, the webpage that describes his book is full of errors. For a start, the webpages quite clearly states that Will's book is 160 pages long. This is clearly nonsense, and should read '16' because even the whole of my groundbreaking triad - a theory which explains the entirety of human civilization over the last 8000 years - only takes 14 pages of A4 (double spaced). And that's with some pictures I got from Cleverly I ran these images through Photoshop so I won't have to credit them - as I have advised several budding authors, referencing or crediting is for suckers. Will's book is about someone called Blanchot, presumably a forerunner of the excellent Monsieur Hulot, a French comedian that the terrible Rowan Atkinson plagiarized shamelessly in his awful Mr Bean series. It is absolutely impossible that any serious study, especially of an actor, could take more than three or four pages - people would just get bored.

Will's lack of self aggrandisement leads me to think he's not really serious about this whole authoring business, as most authors and musicians I know are enthusiastic about droning on about how brilliant they are. Instead, Will tells jokes, makes cups of tea, feeds treats to the cats, and generally acts very unimportant.

In the meantime, having completely independently (WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM ANY OF MY GUEST AT NEW YEAR) dreamt up the last title in the series of my Nobel prize winning theories, and having exhaustedly copied and pasted the last bits of text for the work from Wikipedia, I start to consider my next challenge - finish the friggin house. And with that in mind, I give notice that January may be sparse on entries. We have given notice here at NIckson Towers, and will move into LArge Villas come Hell or HIgh water at the end of January, but the stat we will be in is in the hands of higher powers. BY this I mean that whether we have heating and hot water at the end of January is now entirely up to plumbers. If enough plumberly fingers are not pulled out we could be facing a cold February.

1 comment:

Will said...

Were we supposed to mention our books?